


In Seongdong

by Mina



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: "Telegraph Ave ('Oakland' by Lloyd)" by Childish Gambino, M/M, slightly AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-05
Updated: 2015-06-24
Packaged: 2018-04-01 18:48:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4030678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mina/pseuds/Mina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of GTOP moments from Seunghyun's perspective. Set in a slightly alternate universe in which Seunghyun drives and Jiyong lives alone. Inspired by / structured after "Telegraph Ave ('Oakland' by Lloyd)" by Childish Gambino (<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3f-eDzkxcw">music video</a>) from <i>Because the Internet</i>.  (Inspired by the <i>song</i> though, not the music video. No sci-fi. And fairly different from the song, I think.) Mostly in present tense, and keep in mind the story is not necessarily chronological and that the exact timeline is not meant to be clear.<br/><br/>*Seongdong is, as far as I can tell from some googling I feel ashamed of, the district in which Jiyong lives. It doesn't have quite the connotations I was hoping for, but he apparently lives in the most! expensive! building! in Seoul! (or one of, you know), so that works. Apologies in advance to anyone who is actually familiar with Seoul and is wondering why I'm projecting all these weird connotations onto Seongdong. Artistic license?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Basically "Telegraph Ave" has been stuck in my head lately and making me think of GTOP because everything lately has been making me think of GTOP, so now here's this. Sorry if it doesn't make sense.

Recently, Seunghyun had been asked in an interview, “What’s your favorite place in the world?” He’d “Uhhhh”ed for a long moment and finally said something about how he’s a homebody, so his favorite place is to be at home with family and friends.

 _This is my favorite place_ , Seunghyun thinks. He’s in Jiyong’s kitchen, making sushi rolls. He’s just gotten a really nice bamboo rolling mat. In the living room, Jiyong is sitting directly in front of his enormous television, trying to pick a movie.

“What was wrong with that one?” Seunghyun calls when Jiyong hastily ejects yet another disc with a dramatic sigh. Jiyong’s apartment is open and modern, so Seunghyun can see Jiyong over the breakfast bar.

“The violence is too gorey,” Jiyong says.

“I thought you liked gorey movies.”

“Yeah, but it’s not about what I _like_ ; it’s about what sets the right _mood_.” Jiyong loves the English word “mood”. He says it all the time, always stretching it out so it sounds like ‘ _mooooood_ ’.

“Yah, what mood?” Seunghyun says dismissively, just because he has a pretty good idea what Jiyong will say in return.

Jiyong twists around to give Seunghyun a foxy grin. “The mood like you’re going to fuck me tonight,” he says.

Seunghyun tries to fight back his smile. “You idiot, don’t you know I’m always in the mood for that?”

The first time Jiyong had used the word ‘mood’ and Seunghyun had asked him what it meant, he’d said, “It means the feeling in the air between two people, like when you’re on a date and you know the girl wants to go home with you. That’s the mood. You’re in the mood, she’s in the mood. And when you play sexy music or dim the lights, that’s setting the mood. Basically, the mood means the feeling of wanting to sleep with a girl, and her wanting to sleep with you.”

That was a long time ago.

* * *

It’s funny, but when Seunghyun had been asked that question, “What’s your favorite place in the world?” Jiyong’s apartment wasn’t the first thing that came to mind, even though that’s what he would’ve answered if he was being honest in an interview for once in his life. The first thing that came to mind was his car.

It seems like he’s always in it these days, always traveling quiet stretches of highway late at night. In his car, he sets his phone so it reads his messages to him. He gets one from Jiyong and his phone announces in that awkward, mechanical voice, “New message from Kwon Jiyong: I’m waiting for you winking face.”

Seunghyun grins and grips the wheel a little tighter.

* * *

It had been a shock, the first time he realized he wanted to fuck Jiyong.

Because he’d always liked girls. Always. (He still does, in an abstract sense. It isn’t completely honest to say he likes girls, because he doesn’t like anyone but Jiyong anymore.) Even when he was a fat loser, it had never once occurred to him that he wouldn’t have a conventional trajectory in his personal life: date some girls, marry one of them, have kids, the whole thing. He’d just assumed it wouldn’t go like that, and really, the first step had been working out okay. So realizing he wanted to fuck his best friend, the leader of his group, the person who’d helped him achieve his dream, and someone who was also a _man_ – that was sort of a big deal.

It was a shock, but it shouldn’t have been. Their friendship had always been unlike any relationship Seunghyun had ever had. And back when they were kids, hadn’t Seunghyun been dazzled by Jiyong right from the start? Training to be an idol but already a _star_ ; just brimming with charisma. Everyone wanted to be near Jiyong, and for some reason Seunghyun still didn’t quite understand, Jiyong had chosen _him_ , the chubby kid with the obsessive knowledge of American hip hop. Hadn’t Seunghyun felt a thrill of excitement when Jiyong started calling him “hyung”? Hadn’t his first instinct been to hug him when Jiyong showed up in his life again all those years later? He still remembers how powerful the urge to embrace him had been, how it crashed into him, how he later decided it must’ve been a premonition about Jiyong changing his life.

When Seunghyun was younger, he knew he wanted to be a rapper. An _artist_. He didn’t know he wanted someone to writhe with pleasure when he touched them. He didn’t know he wanted someone to fall asleep in his lap like a puppy and then wake up pissed off because they was going to transition it into a blowjob and hadn’t meant to really fall asleep. He didn’t know he wanted someone to look at him like he was starlight and daisies come to life. But he did, oh god, he _really_ did.

And that’s the thing that was even more shocking than realizing that he wanted to fuck Jiyong: realizing that he _could_. That Jiyong, who only fucked the impossibly beautiful, would want to fuck _him_. More than once. Over and over again, in fact. Over the course of _years_. Years! It’s unbelievable. But Seunghyun knew. He just knew.

If he shows up at Jiyong’s place in the middle of the night, he’ll be let in. All he has to do is get there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are going to be five more chapters and they're all longer. Some of them are kind of too long. Fun fact: I thought this was going to be a one-shot. I mean, it's inspired by one three-and-a-half-minute song. But then my brain was like LOL NO. HERE HAVE A BUNCH OF FEELINGS. So now you guys get a bunch of words. And hopefully some feelings.


	2. Chapter 2

Seunghyun grew up with money – not like he has now, but they’d always been comfortable. _Very_ comfortable. Like where his dad thinks being an idol is a crass way to make a living. That kind of wealth. So the money part of being T.O.P isn’t too big an adjustment.

But the fame is.

The thing about being famous is that it is _incredibly_ isolating. Everyone wants to be your friend, but you can’t trust them. You can be friends with other famous people, but so often it becomes weird and catty, not to mention awkward since everyone keeps sleeping with each other.

And in truth, sometimes it outweighs the good. Sometimes Seunghyun wishes he had never done this, that he could go out for a cup of coffee without having his picture taken, that his interactions in public weren’t microanalyzed to the point of absurdity.

He gets lonely.

It’s funny, but no one bumps into him anymore, not really. Everyone’s so aware of his presence that if they do, it’s plainly on purpose. And it’s funny that he misses that, but he does. Because it’s simple and honest and unselfish. Sometimes he’ll go days where the only people who touch him are fans and stylists and actors in a scene. Sometimes weeks.

Seunghyun was always one for spells of melancholy, but he’s had some bad times since he started his career. Some really bad times.

He wouldn’t undo it, though; not really. He pictured it once: Jiyong reconnects with him to encourage him to audition for YG and Seunghyun says no instead of yes. Jiyong turns away, promises to stay in touch but doesn’t. Becomes just a face on a billboard that he used to know.

Seunghyun would never want that. Ever. Just imagining it made it feel like his heart was in a vise. That’s what he reminds himself of when everyone feels far away and disconnected: He still has Jiyong. He still _had_ Jiyong. No one can take those memories from him, and even if Jiyong told him to stop coming by, it would still be worth it. He’ll take all the bad because it means having known him. Jiyong was always going to be famous, so Seunghyun might as well go along for the ride.

* * *

It is a ride, this life he’s living: Seunghyun feels himself being drawn forward inexorably, even as he traces the same paths again and again.

Like the bridge he takes to Jiyong’s house. The red light he always gets stuck at. He’s so full of anticipation that he feels himself trying to push the energy out of his body and into the cars in front of him, trying to will them forward faster, _faster_ ; just because it’s one in the morning doesn’t mean people don’t have places to _be_.

Sometimes Seunghyun doesn’t call. Sometimes he just shows up. Sometimes he waits until he’s close and then pretends like he just happened to be in in the neighborhood for something else.

It scary, how strongly he feels. How his desire pulls him like a magnet to Seongdong.

Jiyong tastes like the tan you _earn_ in the summer, not the kind from a spray can. Jiyong tastes like taking a nap in the middle of the day and waking up happy. Jiyong tastes like the peace you feel after a long, cathartic cry. Sometimes the thought of him makes Seunghyun’s mouth water. Sometimes Seunghyun can’t see what’s really in front of him because his eyes are full of memories of Jiyong’s lithe, naked body, his smooth legs and how they fold around Seunghyun’s hips. Being with Jiyong is intoxicating and Jiyong knows it. He sends Seunghyun blurry pictures of patches of his skin and Seunghyun always knows exactly where they’re from: his hip, his neck, the valley in the middle of his chest. It drives him crazy. Sometimes when they’re together in public Jiyong will excuse himself to use the bathroom and Seunghyun will get one of those pictures and have to pretend like everything’s normal, like he doesn’t want to march Jiyong by the arm back to the bathroom to fuck his brains out.

But it’s serious. It is. As fun as the sex is, as much as they tease and play, their relationship is putting their careers on the line. They could lose _everything_ if it got out. And not only that, but taint Daesung and Youngbae and Seungri too. Seunghyun could handle it if it was just himself, he thinks. But the thing he knows he couldn’t stand is to see Jiyong lose his dream. Jiyong loves performing _so much_. He’s so creative, so talented, so very much the epitome of an _idol_.  You’d think Jiyong would be the more cautious of the two of them, but he isn’t. Seunghyun always tries to leave and sleep at his own house for the sake of appearances, and Jiyong always tries to convince him to stay.

Jiyong’s got a pretty good success rate.

* * *

Seunghyun’s sitting at a red light in the middle of the night waiting to make a left, left towards home, left away from Jiyong. He managed to leave, even though Jiyong very fairly pointed out that staying at someone’s house until four in the morning isn’t that much better than staying the whole night. But something about leaving in daylight makes Seunghyun shy, makes him feel like every eye is on him, so he leaves in the middle of the night instead. It’s barely half-an-hour since there’s no traffic; just him on the road with his thoughts.

Kanye West comes on the radio and his eyes drift down when he reaches out to adjust the volume and in that moment he misses the light turning green. When Seunghyun’s going _to_ Jiyong’s, he’s so keyed up that his foot’s on the gas the instant the light changes. Coming _from_ , he’s a lot more relaxed.

It’s a good thing he was delayed that second, because just as he lifts his foot from the brake an SUV comes tearing through the intersection. The screech of its brakes are loud and clawing and the only thing Seunghyun can hear, his heart suddenly in his throat. The SUV comes to a stop about ten feet past where it would’ve crushed Seunghyun if he’d been watching the light.

For a moment they both sit there stunned, and then when nothing happens – no police show up, no sirens sound – the SUV drives off.

“Asshole!” Seunghyun shouts after it. In a slightly different world he would’ve been Seunghyun’s killer, but now he’s just some stranger Seunghyun will never know.

As he crawls down the road, checking his mirrors every few seconds for more potential murderers, Seunghyun thinks about what the media would’ve said if he’d been killed: first they’d assume he’d been drinking (he hadn’t) and was therefore the cause of the accident, then someone would wildly speculate that the SUV driver knew Seunghyun was in the car and was _trying_ to kill him, and then someone would ask what Seunghyun was doing in Seongdong at four in the morning in the first place.

But there’d be nothing to indict Seunghyun. His phone would probably be destroyed in the accident. Jiyong wouldn’t have to deal with being outed on top of his hyung’s death.

There are worse ways to die in Seongdong.

He could be murdered by a jealous stalker, for example. A stalker who might have incriminating photos. He could be crushed to death in a swarm of paparazzi showing up to document the fallen idols after their relationship became public. Or he could just die a metaphorical death, caught fucking Jiyong. That might be worse than becoming a celebrity tragedy, a blameless martyr for the cause of not driving like a god damn lunatic.

When you’re a celebrity, Seunghyun reflects, even your death is not your own. His death would belong to the fans, to the media, to Seongdong.

* * *

Seongdong is exactly the sort of place Seunghyun’s father would never live. (Not that he could afford to live in Jiyong’s building – Seunghyun doesn’t know exactly what Jiyong paid, and he doesn’t know exactly how much money his father has, but he knows his father couldn’t afford to buy an apartment like that and just live in it.) It’s too new. Too ostentatious. Too many famous people around.

That’s what makes it perfect for Jiyong. Jiyong lives in a luxury tower overlooking a brand new park and the river. It’s _glamorous_ , just like him. Because even before Jiyong was famous, it _felt_ like he was. He’s always had this aura of mysterious charisma, this ability to make all his outfits look trendy and all his movements seem graceful. Back when they were kids and Jiyong told Seunghyun he was moving away, Seunghyun had been crushingly disappointed but not surprised. He’d known from the start that Jiyong didn’t fit into his demure, uptight neighborhood; that he was just there for the moment, not for good.

Seunghyun never thought he’d feel at home in a place like Seongdong. Even when he debuted and started to picture a life as a celebrity, he hadn’t imagined it really _lasting_. Not long enough to get comfortable. At first he thought they’d be big for a while and then by their mid-twenties it’d be over. A few years later he figured he’d make it to thirty, then do his military service and fade from relevance. Now he wonders if he won’t be able to make a comeback when he gets out. If he won’t be famous _forever_. And won’t that be strange? To have wrinkles and sagging skin and still be stared at? It’s so hard to reconcile his images of quiet old age with his current life as an idol. Flashy highrise apartments, packed nightclubs, throwing out top-shelf champagne because it went flat – that stuff’s okay now, but when he’s sixty, seventy, eighty? Will he still attend fashion shows and movie premieres? Will he still cover his face in airports and keep his eyes peeled for the flash of a camera?

Will he still feel at home in Jiyong’s extravagant kitchen?

* * *

“I heard the best proposal story today,” Jiyong says. They’re in his apartment, eating take-out.

“Oh yeah?” Seunghyun doesn’t think much of this, since this has always been the sort of thing Jiyong likes to talk about. It never takes him long to find out a couple’s story.

“Yeah. From my mom’s friend.” Jiyong slurps up some noodles, then continues. “She said she couldn’t remember how her husband proposed to her. They’d been friends for so long, it just seemed natural to start dating, and then it seemed natural to get married, and so they did. She couldn’t remember when or how they decided they would. It just happened.”

Seunghyun starts laughing. “Are you joking? What kind of story is that?”

“I think it’s sweet,” Jiyong says. He’s put his chopsticks down, Seunghyun notices.

“I didn’t say it wasn’t sweet. But it’s not a story. It’s the opposite of a story. Anyway, I thought you _liked_ big romantic proposals.”

“I do,” Jiyong says, “but that’s me. What I really like is when the story matches the people. And my mom’s friend is really reserved. So it’s perfect for her. That’s what makes it a good story. Anyway,” he adds, picking his chopsticks up again, “she remembered before I left. She made him dinner and afterwards while they were washing the dishes together he asked if she thought they were ready to get married and she said yes.”

Suddenly Seunghyun understands the implication and heat flushes through his face. They’re in Jiyong’s kitchen _right now_. He focuses all his energy on avoiding looking at the sink. “That’s nice,” he says.

It’s so quiet now that Seunghyun can feel it filling up his ears. Jiyong can’t possibly mean anything by this, right? Even if they were just two regular guys, they couldn’t legally marry in Korea, and they’d have to deal with so much hatred from narrow-minded people. And that’s if they were _normal_. He and Jiyong are _famous_. He can’t even _imagine_ what would happen if they announced they were getting married.

He can imagine, actually. He can imagine the outrage. He can imagine getting yelled at in the street. He can imagine death threats.

Seunghyun’s heart is racing and he wants to gather Jiyong in his arms and cry and keep him safe and explain how important it is that no one hurt him, that people would try to hurt him if they knew, that when he was a kid and asked what being gay meant and if his mother knew any gay people, she’d casually told him there were no gays in Korea because they’d all killed themselves out of shame. And his mother isn’t particularly bigoted; what she said’s not just talk. Kim Jihoo _hanged himself_ after he came out, doesn’t Jiyong remember that? Doesn’t he _know_?

Seunghyun clears his throat, about to say something like ‘If you want to come out, we can’t do it here, we’d have to go somewhere safer and we could never come back, and wouldn’t you miss your noona, your mom, your friends? Don’t you like the life we have now?’ But before he can get any of it out, Jiyong smiles brightly at him and says, “Do you want to order some dessert? I’m still hungry.”


	3. Chapter 3

Sometimes Seunghyun thinks his and Jiyong’s relationship doesn’t make sense because they’re so different, and sometimes he thinks that’s exactly why it _does_ make sense. Jiyong leans towards extraversion and Seunghyun towards introversion. Jiyong follows his gut and Seunghyun overthinks things. Jiyong is expressive and Seunghyun is closed off.

It’s not something he likes about himself, but it’s not something he can just do away with, either.

Sometimes Jiyong’s ability to be vulnerable makes Seunghyun want to cry with admiration. Like when they have sex, Seunghyun always tops. It wasn’t a discussion they really needed to have; Jiyong made it clear that he wanted that and Seunghyun was more than happy to accept. Because the thing is, if Jiyong ever asked to be on top, Seunghyun’s not sure he could do it. Even though he trusts Jiyong more than anyone. Even though everything Jiyong does turns him on. Even though Jiyong says that’s where a man’s g-spot is and that it feels _amazing_ and even though Seunghyun has seen firsthand how hard Jiyong comes, has seen him come without even being touched. Because, well, things could go wrong in some very humiliating ways. And Seunghyun doesn’t think those are his best angles; he _definitely_ wouldn’t look as good Jiyong does on his back with his knees pushed to his chest or on all fours with his ass in the air. And, well, even though Jiyong says it feels really good, Seunghyun kind of thinks it would be overstimulating. Physically, but emotionally, too. Being with Jiyong (beautiful Jiyong, sexy Jiyong, loving Jiyong, funny Jiyong, perfect Jiyong…) is already a lot to handle, and Seunghyun thinks if he was with Jiyong in that way, he might just completely lose it. He knows it’s silly to think that, but deep down he does.

The way they do things now is best, Seunghyun thinks. They give each other what the can, accept what they can. They fit together in a way that works.

* * *

Except sometimes they don’t.

One day Seunghyun gets a call from Seungri. “Hey, Hyung...I know this is awkward, but...are you and Jiyong-hyung still, like…together?”

Seunghyun blushes a bit, glad he’s on the phone. It was inevitable that their friends would find out about them, and it’s sort of nice to be openly affectionate when they’re in the right group, but talking about it too much – especially with the _maknae_ of all people – makes him uncomfortable. “Um, yeah, we’re good,” Seunghyun says. “Why do you ask?”

“Well, it’s just...I happened to be on Instagram, and I happened to be looking at things Jiyong-hyung had liked, you know, things he marked as his favorite? I know it sounds weird but I remembered seeing this one picture he’d shown me and I was trying to find it, it was from –”

“Yah, get to the point,” Seunghyun says. It has finally occurred to him that he should be concerned that someone thought they weren’t together anymore.

“Well, anyway, I happened to see that he liked this picture a few minutes ago...he unliked it almost right away, but it’s, um…”

“What was it a picture of?”

“Well, it was words. Like, a picture of words. English words. And I knew some of them, but I didn’t really understand it,  so I asked Youngbae-hyung what it meant, and he told me. And...it made me think you guys had maybe broken up, that’s all.”

 _That’s all_? Seunghyun is starting to sweat. “Well, what did it _say_?”

“If you guys are okay then it doesn’t matter. I just...you know, I was worried, because it would be really awkward if you guys weren’t together anymore, so I was just worried, but if you’re okay –”

“Listen, you little shit, you better tell me what the _fuck_ it said before I come over there and fuck you up.”

“Aigoo, don’t be so dramatic.”

“I’m about to hang up and come find you, motherfucker!” Seunghyun is gripping his phone much too tightly.

“ _All right_ , all right. It said...well, it was in English, but Youngbae-hyung said it meant something like, ‘It’s better to break up with someone and be heartbroken than to let them break your heart every day.’ Jiyong-hyung probably just thought it sounded cool; don’t get so worked up…”

“Don’t tell me what to do,” Seunghyun grumbles. He hangs up the phone. Then, because he’s alone and can’t think of anything better to do, he screams wordlessly at the top of his lungs until he runs out of breath.

Seunghyun gets in his car and starts driving.

When he gets to Seongdong, he pulls over to text Jiyong, just saying he’s in the area and asking if he wants to hang out. He drives around in circles waiting for a response. Finally, his phone announces: “New message from Kwon Jiyong: Having lunch with friends. Rain check?”

Seunghyun has to pull over again because his vision is going blurry and breathing is getting sort of difficult. _Let me know when you’re free_ , he types with stiff fingers, _I want to see you_. Should he tell him he knows about the Instagram post? He can’t decide. He is gripped with the thought that Jiyong _is_ breaking up with him, that this is how he’s doing it: pulling away, letting the heat between them fade. Is it still breaking up when you’ve never been on a real date? Seunghyun hasn’t known how to define their relationship since they started sleeping together, just known that sometimes they spend more time together and sometimes less, based on schedules and obligations and how capable Seunghyun is of peeling himself out of bed and leaving his house.

Jiyong doesn’t respond right away, so Seunghyun takes a few deep breaths, merges back into traffic, and drives to Jiyong’s apartment. The guard knows his car; he doesn’t try to call up to Jiyong or even speak to Seunghyun, just lifts the gate and waves him forward. Seunghyun picks a space in a distant corner of the guest parking level, reclines his seat, closes his eyes, and waits. He jumps every time his phone goes off and curses when it’s not Jiyong.

But finally, about an hour after Seunghyun’s last text, it is. _Hyung, I’m kind of tired today. Maybe some other time._

He should just go home, but he’s crying too hard. Because it’s real, it’s happening, it’s finally happening: Jiyong is tired of him, Jiyong is leaving him. Perhaps he’s found someone he likes better. Perhaps he just doesn’t like Seunghyun anymore.

He always thought it would be okay if Jiyong stopped wanting him because he always felt so lucky to have been with him in the first place, but now that it’s real it turns out it’s still pretty fucking awful.

Like a child, Seunghyun cries himself to sleep.

He wakes up stiff and disorientated. The yellow lights in the underground parking garage are the same as when he got there, but Seunghyun checks his phone and sees it’s ten o’clock at night. He slept the whole day away.

He has no new messages from Jiyong.

Seunghyun wilts, but then he is seized by a sudden determination and he scrambles into his backseat and fishes out a hoodie. He puts it on as he walks to the elevator, pulling the hood over his head. He’s going to wait outside Jiyong’s door and demand an explanation. He doesn’t care if the neighbors see.

It turns out he doesn’t need to wait. Jiyong is home now and he lets Seunghyun in. His skin looks rough and there are bags under his eyes. He’s wearing sweatpants.

Seunghyun doesn’t know what to say and he’s afraid he might start crying again and he’s afraid he might _look_ like he’s been crying (he’s such a fucking idiot, why didn’t he check a mirror before marching up here?) so he just asks in a croaky voice, “Are you well?”

“I’m tired,” Jiyong says. “I don’t want to be rude, but…”

“Seungri called me,” Seunghyun blurts out.

“Yeah? What’d he want?”

“He was looking at your Instagram.”

Jiyong goes still. “Oh?”

Seunghyun can’t take this beating around the bush bullshit anymore. Clearly Jiyong’s not going to come out and say it. “Listen, I understand if you want to end it, but –” He takes a deep breath. _Tell me what I did wrong_ , he wants to scream, “but I hope you’re willing to stay friends, because we do still have to work together.”

Jiyong stares at him. His chin is trembling. “That’s it?”

Seunghyun shrugs.

“God, you’re such an asshole,” Jiyong says, turning away and wiping clumsily at his cheek.

“ _I’m_ the asshole?” It bursts from Seunghyun’s mouth before he can stop himself. (He knows he’s the asshole; he doesn’t know how but he _knows_ he is, because he’s made Jiyong cry and that is what assholes do.) “You’re the one who didn’t even have the decency to tell me you wanted to break up!”

“Oh, Hyung, please forgive me!” Jiyong says sarcastically, throwing his hands in the air. “I’m _so sorry_ for that breach of etiquette. I’m sorry to have offended your sense of _decency_ ; that must be so _difficult_ for you.”

Seunghyun’s more confused than ever. “I – I don’t – shit, what are you mad at _me_ for?”

Jiyong’s mouth drops open. “Are you kidding? You’re not even _fighting for me_! For _us_! After all this time! Fuck, you’re like a fucking robot or something.” Jiyong is shaking all over now, and he sinks down to sit on his plush living room carpet, the tears flowing freely, and Seunghyun longs to reach out and comfort him but he stays where he is on the hardwood, frozen.

“Why should I fight?” he asks. “Why should I fight when being with me is breaking your heart every day? I don’t want to hurt you. If you think this is better then fine, let’s end it.”

“Why can’t you just stop?” Jiyong asks, voice thick. “Just stop breaking my heart.”

It’s too much; Jiyong’s plaintive tone overwhelms him and the tears start leaking from Seunghyun’s eyes, too. “I would if I could. I didn’t even know I was hurting you. That’s how much of a fucking idiot I am.”

Jiyong squeezes his eyes shut and his chest heaves with sobs and Seunghyun can’t take it anymore and he crosses the space between them and onto the carpet and he kneels down next to Jiyong and carefully, tentatively, he puts his hand on Jiyong’s shoulder.

Like a dried-up flower Jiyong curls into himself, and Seunghyun is about to remove his hand in despair when Jiyong catches it in his own and holds it against his chest. “Why are you like this?” he asks, his voice stronger than Seunghyun was expecting; almost a shout. “Why do you act like you don’t care about me one minute and then like I’m important to you the next?”

“I act like I don’t care about you?” Seunghyun asks, genuinely stunned. “I’ve always cared about you! Jiyongie, I care about you more than _anyone_.”

Jiyong blinks up at him, still clutching Seunghyun’s hand to his chest like a treasured possession. “Really?”

“Of course,” says Seunghyun. “You’re my best friend.”

Jiyong’s face slackens. “Friend,” he repeats. “Right.”

“Well, what do you want me to say?”

“I want you to tell me you love me,” Jiyong says fiercely.

Heat creeps up Seunghyun’s neck and his throat seems suddenly smaller. “Jiyongie –”

“Don’t I deserve that?” Jiyong demands. “After all this time? After fucking you for this long? Being your friend, writing songs with you, helping you stick to your diet, pulling you out of bed after you’d been drinking all night, doesn’t that mean anything to you?”

“Of course it does,” Seunghyun says, “Of course –”

Jiyong drops Seunghyun’s hand suddenly. “I don’t want empty words.”

“They’re not empty!” Seunghyun says. “Do you know what you’ve done to me today? I cried like a fucking baby when you said you didn’t want to see me! I _hate_ that you want to end it! I’ve expected it this whole time, I’ve been waiting for you to get bored of me, but even with all that preparation I still feel like you ran me over with a truck! I’m sorry I’m not who you want me to be, I’m sorry I made you think I don’t care about you, I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry, but don’t tell me my words are empty. They’re _not_.”

Silence rings out between them. “You cried?” Jiyong finally asks.

That’s not the part Seunghyun was expecting a reaction to. Not to mention the fact that he’s crying right now. “Yes,” he says.

“Over me?”

“Who else?”

Jiyong considers this for a moment. “Hyung, do you love me?”

“ _Yes_ ,” he says. Jiyong had been crying pretty tears but Seunghyun’s nose is running and it’s disgusting and embarrassing and he’s trying desperately to wipe the snot on his sleeve in an inconspicuous way. “Yes, I love you, of course I love you, okay?”

“Why didn’t you ever say it?” Jiyong asks, his eyes filling with those pretty tears again.

Seunghyun shrugs. “Well, you knew, didn’t you, so why should I? I don’t tell my mom I love her either. I’m not good at that stuff.”

“I didn’t know,” says Jiyong, his gaze on the knot of his hands in his lap. His eyelashes are like little fans against his cheeks and Seunghyun wants to kiss each one.

“But...how could you not know? What did you think I was doing?” There are a thousand million things Seunghyun has done in his life that he never would have done if he didn’t love Jiyong.

“Fucking?” Jiyong suggests. “Having fun? Getting off with a friend? Listen, you must have noticed that there’s always been an imbalance between us –”

“I know,” Seunghyun says fervently, and Jiyong flinches.

Jiyong swallows. “Well –” he says softly.

“Because you’ve always been so much better than me,” Seunghyun interrupts again. He feels now is a good time to make sure Jiyong understands the meaning of every word he says. “More talented, more disciplined, cooler, more beautiful, sexier, more experienced – you’ve always been able to get me to do whatever you want even though I’m the hyung and you’re the dongsaeng.”

Jiyong’s lips have parted in the prettiest way. He looks like a painting even though he’s been crying. Seunghyun’s sure he looks like a snotty, red-eyed mess. “But I can’t get you to be my boyfriend,” he says, the last word turned bitter. “I can’t even get you to stay the night.”

“But I’m your hyung,” Seunghyun says. “I have to protect you. If anyone found out about us...Jiyongie, how can I be your boyfriend when I can’t even take you on a date? That’s not the kind of relationship we can have. Not here, not while we’re doing this. Can’t we just enjoy what we _do_ have?”

“I want more than this. I want more than just eating take-out and fucking.”

Seunghyun’s heart is racing. _More?_ He doesn’t know how to given Jiyong more. Jiyong is talking about a future Seunghyun can barely imagine. “I want to give you everything,” he says desperately. “I do, but I want you to have your dream, too, to be a musician, and that means –”

“I know,” Jiyong sighs. He looks around the apartment, as though surveying somewhere new; looks past Seunghyun out the window behind him with its breathtaking view of the river and the south side of the city. His eyes return to Seunghyun’s. “You have to tell me you love me, okay?” he says quietly. “I need to hear it sometimes.”

Seunghyun breathes a sigh of relief. “Okay,” he says. “But you have to talk to me too. I don’t want to have to rely on your Instagram stalker to know what you’re thinking.”

Jiyong laughs; stilted and breathy, but he laughs. Seunghyun opens his arms and Jiyong falls into them. “Hyung, I love you too, okay? Just so you know.”

Seunghyun realizes he needs to hear it sometimes, too.

* * *

Seunghyun is driving to Jiyong’s. It’s one in the morning and the roads are quiet. He’s stuck at a red light. This light stays red _way_ too long at night. There were only three cars waiting to go and they went and now Seunghyun is just _sitting_ here, skin crawling with anticipation, staring at an empty intersection. Why don’t they have those cameras that time the light based on traffic flow at every intersection? This is _Seoul_ , for god’s sake; it’s supposed to be a technologically advanced city.

He’s been filming so much that he’s barely seen Jiyong, but he knew he was supposed to get off (relatively) early tonight and he told him he was coming by no matter what. Even one day apart feels too long lately, and it’s been a lot more than one day.

Finally the light goes green and Seunghyun’s roaring through the intersection. He has to remind himself that a speeding ticket would not only be bad for his image, it would mean ultimately taking longer to get to Jiyong’s. And anyway no matter how fast he goes, it still feels like his heart is out of his chest, at least a foot ahead of him, pulling him along. It kind of hurts, actually, the way it tugs on his veins and arteries.

And then at long last he’s at Jiyong’s building, then at the elevator, then on Jiyong’s floor, then at the door, and Jiyong starts talking to him but Seunghyun can’t hear, can’t do anything until their chests are pressed together and his heart has finally found its home.

Jiyong’s kiss is soft and sleepy, his lips pillowing against Seunghyun’s, but Seunghyun needs something different right now. He works Jiyong’s mouth open and slides his tongue over Jiyong’s, and he wraps his arms around him even tighter, pressing every bit of the smaller man against him.

Jiyong breaks their mouths apart. “Hi,” he whispers against Seunghyun’s cheek. Seunghyun can hear him now but he’s still not ready to speak, so he bends his head to plant sloppy kisses on Jiyong’s neck.

He can feel Jiyong’s smile, and then Jiyong pushes him away but he’s still smiling. “You’re like an octopus tonight,” he says, and Seunghyun doesn’t care, he wants to pull Jiyong against himself again and wrap him tight in his limbs, but Jiyong drops to his knees and unbuckles Seunghyun’s belt.

“Did you miss me?” Jiyong asks as eases Seunghyun out of his boxers. Seunghyun’s not sure if Jiyong’s talking to him or his cock. It doesn’t exactly matter when Jiyong is bathing it with kisses. “You must be tired, Hyung,” Jiyong says, looking up at him with rounded eyes as he pumps his hand steadily. “Are you sure you want to do this tonight?” He slides his mouth over Seunghyun.

Seunghyun gives the most cogent response he can, which is to groan and buck his hips forward and twist his fingers through the hair on the back of Jiyong’s head.

He’s gone so stiff so quickly that it’s bordering on painful, and Jiyong’s _teasing_ him, the little bastard, tonguing his slit like his precum is ice cream. “ _Jiyongie_ ,” he moans, and Jiyong looks up at him and smiles. He gets to his feet, kisses Seunghyun’s cheek, and whispers, “Bedroom,” in his ear. And then he turns and stalks off down the hall, removing articles of clothing as he goes.

Seunghyun is deeply offended that Jiyong would deny his hyung the pleasure of undressing him and chases after him as best he can with his pants undone and a raging erection. He catches him just as he gets through the door and pushes him against the wall. They kiss and Seunghyun briefly forgets himself, but then he remembers no, he’s mad, so he puts his arm across Jiyong’s chest to keep him from moving while he gets off his own pants and boxers. He frees Jiyong but has his hands in Jiyong’s waistband and pulls his hips roughly forward before opening his pants, his eyes locked on Jiyong’s the whole time and wearing his fiercest expression so Jiyong knows he’s in trouble.

Jiyong’s grinning like an idiot.

He’s also not wearing underwear.

Seunghyun catches Jiyong’s lips and Jiyong just melts against him, makes that little moan he makes from the back of his throat. Seunghyun runs his hands beneath Jiyong’s trousers around to his bare ass and he squeezes, spreads him gently and runs a finger up and down his cleft, over his opening, starts working his way inside. Jiyong moans and arches against him. “You’ve got to fuck me, Hyung,” he says breathlessly. “Please.”

Seunghyun smiles. “With pleasure.”

That’s what he does at first, but once his cock is inside Jiyong, once he has satisfied that frantic energy in him screaming _fuck Jiyong fuck him fuck him good_ , everything changes. Now he is looking down at Jiyong’s face, at the smooth planes of his chest, at the sweetness in his eyes. Now he is stroking Jiyong’s thighs. Now he is making love, not fucking.

Seunghyun slows his pace, takes the time to kiss Jiyong softly, to appreciate the gentle pressure of Jiyong’s heels against the top of his ass. “I’ve missed you so much,” he whispers.

“You’re here now,” Jiyong says, fingers running through Seunghyun’s hair, still stiff with product from the shoot. He _is_ here; he is present in a way he has never been when he’s had sex with anyone else.

No one has ever looked at Seunghyun the way Jiyong looks at Seunghyun. For years people have been telling Seunghyun that he’s talented, handsome, sexy; countless people; more people than Seunghyun even knows. But when Jiyong looks at him, Seunghyun _feels_ it.

He hopes Jiyong feels the same when Seunghyun looks at him. He wants to look at Jiyong like that, means to, but even with all the acting lessons he’s had, even though he thinks he’s gotten much better, he’s still not always sure what his face looks like. Especially when it’s important.

Jiyong’s whole body thrums in orgasm and it gets Seunghyun off like nothing else.

Seunghyun cleans them up afterwards, moves Jiyong’s limbs that are suddenly heavy, lets some of the heat evaporate from his skin. And then he’s back beside him on the bed, an octopus again, Jiyong wrapped tight in his arms, their legs tangled together.

“Are you going to stay?” Jiyong asks. His eyes are already closed and voice is muffled because his face is burrowed against Seunghyun’s chest.

“I shouldn’t,” Seunghyun says. Even if he wasn’t worried about anyone seeing, he’s supposed to be on set early tomorrow.

Jiyong sighs, his breath hot on Seunghyun’s skin. “Just wake me before you leave, okay?”

“Okay,” says Seunghyun. He knows Jiyong’s already drifting off. He can’t follow him but he can’t extricate himself from Jiyong’s embrace just yet, either.

Jiyong could be with _anyone_ , man or woman, _anyone_. He is beautiful and glamorous and he fucks like a god damn champion. But he’s with Seunghyun. Even though Seunghyun gets grumpy and doesn’t know how to express himself and drinks too much sometimes and gets too sad sometimes and does the wrong and hurtful thing about half the time without even meaning to, Jiyong still waits up for him with no underwear on.

That must mean something, right? It does, it does; it’s scary how much it means. Because deep down, in the most secret hidden part of Seunghyun’s mind, he knows they’ll have to stop one day. And Jiyong could find someone new in a heartbeat, but how will Seunghyun live without him? When he looks at Seunghyun the way he does, when their skin pressed together feels even better than the safety of being dressed? He’s in love with Jiyong, he knows he is, and it’s the worst, scariest thing in the world.

How will he ever stop coming to Seongdong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish I was better at writing smut. Oh well. Practice makes perfect?
> 
> The instagram thing is not real – it's based on a post I actually came across on pinterest but felt was suitable for Jiyong. ([This is the post](https://www.pinterest.com/pin/469922542340671515/) if anyone's curious.) I didn't have the patience to dig around and find something that would fit, and anyway I didn't want to tie the fight down to a real time. 
> 
> Also just wanted to put it on the record that their fight was physically exhausting to write and I feel personally victimized by it. I tried to take a break in the middle but that scene just wouldn't let me. So I just kept writing and got really upset and tired. What is my life.


	4. Chapter 4

Seunghyun knew for a long time that Jiyong liked guys.

He wasn’t Seunghyun’s first gay friend. (Or bisexual, or whatever; Seunghyun didn’t understand all the terms, just knew what they all meant: not straight, not normal, risky.) Technically he was, but he wasn’t the first one he found out about. The first time Seunghyun found out one of his friends was gay, he’d been shocked. And a little disgusted. He didn’t understand how you could do that with another man. (But then, Seunghyun was so young at the time, he was still wrapping his head around doing that with a woman.)

In retrospect, it’s a good thing Seunghyun’s feelings don’t play out on his face so easily, because he would be deeply ashamed if anyone knew how he’d felt back then. He’d spent about a week thinking it through and finally decided that there was nothing wrong with being gay, as long as the other guy liked men too and no one was cheating. If both people enjoyed it, who was it hurting? It wasn’t even like they were going to accidentally make a baby. So maybe Seunghyun didn’t understand it, but that didn’t make it wrong. He was still uneasy with it, but he was determined to accept it.

And he did, and the uneasiness faded, and it was no longer alarming to discover people were gay, and before long he was very pleased to have such interesting friends.

But his stomach still lurched unpleasantly the first time he noticed Jiyong staring at a guy in the appraising, hungry way he was supposed to stare at women.

Seunghyun wasn’t disgusted. He was afraid. How would Jiyong survive in this industry with this kind of secret? How would he rise to the levels of fame for which Seunghyun always knew he was destined?

But Jiyong seemed pretty good at managing himself. He never flirted with men in public. He smiled at girls and blushed when they smiled back. Seunghyun only knew he had a boyfriend because they were so close; only realized when Jiyong interrupted their late-night song-writing session once again to call his “friend”, as he seemed to do every time they worked late, and Seunghyun thought to himself, irritated, _What kind of friend needs to be called every single night?_

A boyfriend, of course.

Seunghyun was glad he had time to get used to the idea before Jiyong told him. If that’s what you wanted to call what Jiyong did. He was so nervous he mostly just stammered and blushed, and it was nice that Seunghyun was able to laugh and throw his arm over his shoulder and say, truthfully, “Ah, Jiyongie, it’s okay; I don’t mind.” It was nice to feel Jiyong’s entire body relax beneath his arm.

This is an incomplete list of the things Seunghyun mistook his attraction to Jiyong for: friendship, gratitude, amusement, pride, a _really close_ friendship, almost like brothers, a dispassionate assessment of aesthetics, indigestion. It’s absurd, looking back, that he couldn’t see it.

This is how he finally saw it:

They’re standing around a rooftop lounge, a bunch of them, drinking and smoking and shooting the shit. Jiyong is in the club downstairs, dancing. He invited Seunghyun to dance too, but Seunghyun said no. He’s not drunk enough. In truth, he hates dancing. It makes him feel ridiculous, makes him hate his stupid graceless body. He always just says he won’t dance unless he’s getting paid for it.

Seunghyun’s having a good time. Seungho is teasing him about how he hasn’t been dating anyone lately, about how he should pick someone up because if he doesn’t use his dick regularly it’ll fall off. Seunghyun just laughs. He has no intention of doing that – he’s never had random sex in his life. It’s difficult enough to undress in front of girls he knows and likes. Anyway, no one’s appealed to him lately. He’s fine being single.

Jiyong comes upstairs, hair damp and skin glistening. He has two beers and hands one to Seunghyun, ignoring everyone’s complaints. Jiyong’s the leader, but Seunghyun’s still the hyung.

“Yah, Jiyong, tell me you’re doing better than your hyung over here,” Seungho says.

“What’s wrong with Seunghyun?” Jiyong asks, giving him a glance up and down as he takes a sip of his beer.

“This motherfucker hasn’t fucked in – shit, Seunghyun, how long has it been since you got laid?”

Seunghyun snorts. “A lot more recently than you, if you don’t count picking up busted-looking bombs,” he says.

Jiyong laughs brightly and even Seungho chuckles. Soohyuk drifts over. “What’s going on?” Then his eyes land on Jiyong, “Ooh, Jiyongah, how’s it going with your man? He’s here, you know.”

“You have a man?” Seunghyun asks, turning to Jiyong. He’s blushing, but he’s grinning so hard his face looks liable to break.

“No,” Jiyong says in a sing-song voice, “But…”

“I thought you didn’t like him?” Seungho asks Soohyuk.

“I don’t, but I still want our Jiyong to succeed. Go, Jiyong! Successful Jiyong! Fighting!”

“Fighting!” Seungho agrees, and Jiyong is laughing so hard he can barely stand up. He’s already slopped some of his beer across the tile.

Seunghyun chuckles awkwardly and takes a long draught. He’s intensely curious about this man of Jiyong’s, but he doesn’t want to pry.

Luckily, Jiyong likes to talk. “His names Koo Joohyung,” he offers when he’s recovered from his fit of hysteria. “He’s an _actor_.”

“He’s _trying_ to be an actor,” Soohyuk says with a derisive snort. “If you’re born in nineteen-eighty-two and you haven’t been in a single decent drama by now…”

Seunghyun is mid sip and almost chokes on his drink. “ _What_? He’s _six years_ older than you?”

The three others are quiet, looking back and forth and each other and Seunghyun with amused expressions. “Hyung, it’s not a big deal,” Jiyong finally says. Then he adds, a little shy, “I’ve been with older.”

Seunghyun’s face goes hot and he takes another big gulp of his beer. He’s almost drained it and Jiyong only just gave it to him. Whenever he thinks about Jiyong with men, he thinks of him with, well, _boys_ really: guys their age who giggle and are playful like Jiyong. That’s the only type of guy he’s ever seen Jiyong go after. Not _men_. Do these older men treat Jiyong right? Do they really care about him, or are they just looking for a young piece of ass? “Are you sure he’s even gay?” Seunghyun asks. Maybe this guy is just a fun fantasy for Jiyong.

Jiyong, Seungho, and Soohyuk hold it together for about three seconds before they burst out laughing. Apparently that’s a stupid question to ask.

“ _Yes_ , Hyung. He is. And he’s really nice.”

“You talked to him?” Soohyuk asks excitedly.

Jiyong nods, grinning. “He said he wanted to come see me perform!”

Jiyong spends the rest of the evening babbling about Joohyung:  how compatible their blood types are, how he touched his arm. It’s sickening. Seunghyun doesn’t like the idea of Jiyong with some skeezy older guy (someone they don’t even _know_ ) or that he’s talking about it in public. He could get  _caught_  if he’s not careful.

When they’re leaving, Jiyong stops on the bar level and scans the room. “There he is!” he hisses. He grabs Seunghyun’s arm. “Hyung, come with me to say goodbye so it’s not weird.”

“What? No!” Seunghyun says, but he’s already being marched over. Suddenly Seunghyun realizes which guy Jiyong means. “ _That’s_ him?” he asks, too loudly. “He’s not even that good-looking!”

“ _Shut up!_ ” Jiyong hisses, pinching his arm. And then they’re there, with him, Jiyong going on about how great it was to meet him and how he hopes to see him again soon and would love for him to come to a Big Bang concert, and all Seunghyun can notice is that the bastard is just slightly taller than him.

He’s so annoyed with Jiyong he has a hard time falling asleep that night. What’s Jiyong doing going after a guy like that?

And then it’s Saturday again, and they’re in a club again, and Joohyung’s there again, and Seunghyun feels even more sick to his stomach than he did the last time. He just doesn’t like this guy. But he can’t figure out how to say that to Jiyong.

Seunghyun does a bad thing.

He sees Jiyong go into the bathroom, and he sees Joohyung follow.

And he tries to ignore it, he really does, but it’s _gnawing_ at him, each passing minute more and more painful until finally he marches over and slams both hands into the door.

But it doesn’t open. It’s locked. It’s locked? How can it be _locked_? It’s a public bathroom. Do public bathrooms have locks? Why had he never noticed that before?

He should walk away now, but he doesn’t. He pounds on the door again. “I have to piss!” he shouts. He can’t hear anything because the club is too loud, but after a minute and some more banging the door opens and Jiyong’s stands there wide-eyed. His expression turns slightly annoyed when he sees Seunghyun.

“Oh, Hyung,” he says. “Um…”

“I have to piss,” Seunghyun repeats, and he shoulders past Jiyong into the bathroom because he wants to barge in on Joohyung and make him feel like the dirty old man he is.

But all of Joohyung’s clothes are on and he’s calmly washing his hands in the sink. He looks up at Seunghyun, bows slightly, and says, “Nice to see you again.” Then he dries his hands and walks out.

Seunghyun wonders if he somehow misinterpreted what was going on in here, but when he turns around he sees that Jiyong is blushing and that his lips are red and swollen. A thought floats unbidden through his mind: _I want to know what you taste like_.

He can’t even think about what that means because Jiyong is talking. “He’s so nice,” he says and bites his bottom lip. “We _kissed_ ,” he adds with a girlish giggle.

“Sorry I interrupted,” Seunghyun says, his voice a low grumble.

“It’s okay, I got his phone number,” Jiyong says, all smiles. “And we really shouldn’t have been doing anything in here, I just...I got kind of swept up, you know?”

Seunghyun shrugs.

“Well, uh, I’ll leave you to it,” says Jiyong, motioning to the urinals.

When Seunghyun is home he clicks on the first porn video he finds and starts jacking off. When he climaxes a horrible sob escapes his throat. Because he couldn’t see the girl in the video or hear her cries of plastic ecstasy.

His mind was full of Jiyong.

And when he wakes up the next morning, he knows with certainty that he doesn’t want Jiyong to hook up with Joohyung. He wants Jiyong to hook up with _him_.

Seunghyun pretends to be sick and spends all day ignoring his phone and feeling sorry for himself. How could this have happened? Where did this _come_ from? He finds himself analyzing every interaction he’s had with Jiyong in the last month, year, two years, _ever_ – every touch, every glance, every laugh.

By midnight he knows what to do. He gets in his car and drives to Seongdong.

Jiyong moved in recently and Seunghyun’s only been there once before. He navigates from memory, following signs for Seoul Forest, and drives in circles a few times before he finds the entrance to Jiyong’s building. When the security guard asks what apartment number he’s visiting, Seunghyun has to dig up the message on his phone where Jiyong told him his new address.

The guard frowns down at his clipboard. “Are you expected?” he asks.

“No. Just tell him it’s Choi Seunghyun.”

The guard purses his lips and moves to the back of his hut, speaking quietly on the phone as though he somehow deserves more privacy with Jiyong than Seunghyun does. Finally he comes back and says. “You can go up.” He presses the button to raise the gate. “Guest parking is –”

“Thanks!” Seunghyun calls out the window, already driving away.

The reality of what he’s doing hits him in the elevator and he thinks of turning around. But only for a moment. When Jiyong opens the door, all his fear melts away. He knows he’s doing the right thing.

“Hyung, are you okay?” Jiyong asks.

“I’m great,” says Seunghyun. He toes off his shoes and walks past Jiyong into the living room. It still smells of fresh paint. The only other time Seunghyun was here it was bright out – the view was great then, but now it’s _spectacular_ , the river a sparkling path between Seongdong and Gangnam.

“We heard you were sick.”

Seunghyun turns back to Jiyong, who has trailed after him. “No, I’m fine,” he says. He notices that Jiyong is dressed: tight jeans,  a fitted t-shirt, a stylish blazer. “Are you going out?”

Jiyong looks down at himself as though surprised by what he’s wearing. “Oh, no; I just got home. A few of us went to the movies. Soohyuk said they needed to distract me because calling Joohyung tonight would come off as desperate.” Jiyong rolls his eyes. “We tried to get in touch with you, but…”

“It’s okay,” says Seunghyun, approaching Jiyong. “I wasn’t looking at my phone.” He is standing close enough to see the shape of himself reflected in Jiyong’s eyes. He slips his hand under Jiyong’s jacket and rests it on his side.

“ _Hyung_ ,” Jiyong says, inhaling the sound. He doesn’t pull away. “What are you doing?”

“You know what I’m doing,” says Seunghyun, moving even closer.

“But – but when…how...?” Jiyong’s eyes are searching his. He has gone completely still except for the movement of his eyes and the trembling of his lips.

Seunghyun’s thumb traces patterns on Jiyong’s ribs through his shirt. “I’m sorry,” he says, “that it took me so long to get here.”

And kissing Jiyong puts every other kiss he’s ever had to shame. Lighting erupts under his skin and he just sits with it a moment, just feels Jiyong lips on his own, soft and sweet, before he pushes, explores, puts his hand on the small of Jiyong’s back and pulls him closer. Jiyong breathes the tiniest moan into Seunghyun’s mouth and it burns through him; his fingers clench into Jiyong and his tongue licks at the roof of his mouth. When they break apart they’re both breathing heavy and Seunghyun is desperate to dive back in, but Jiyong takes Seunghyun’s face in his hands and tilts their foreheads together, their mouths apart.

“Hyung,” he whispers, “this is so sudden.”

“Is it?” Seunghyun asks. Because when he’d thought about it, when he reviewed all the little moments between them, he’d felt certain that Jiyong had liked him for a long time. And that he’d liked him back and not understood it. But he understands now, so why delay this even a moment more?

“I’d given up on you.”

“I’m a slower learner,” Seunghyun says. “Haven’t you been in dance class with me?”

Jiyong giggles and kisses him again.

They don’t have sex that night. Jiyong goes down on Seunghyun on the couch and it’s the hottest thing he’s ever seen. He is so dazed by his orgasm that he doesn’t realize at first that Jiyong has swallowed his cum.

When he’s recovered a bit, he tucks himself back in his pants, does them up, and turns and kisses Jiyong. He hesitates for just a moment, but then he steels his nerve and puts his hand on Jiyong’s cock through his jeans. He rubs, pleased by how hard it already feels.

Jiyong pulls back. “Hyung,” he says, and he pushes Seunghyun’s hands away. “You don’t have to do that.”

Seunghyun blinks. “But I can’t just leave you…that’s not fair.”

Jiyong laughs. “Don’t worry, I’ll be all right.”

“But I…” Seunghyun scratches the back of his neck, self-conscious. “I thought you’d want me to,” he says quietly.

“I don’t want you to do anything you’re not ready for,” Jiyong says. He puts his hand on Seunghyun’s knee and smiles. “We can just focus on you for now.”

“Is that all?” Seunghyun asks. “It’s okay, I’m ready.” He’s on his knees in front of the couch and nudging Jiyong’s legs apart before Jiyong can even get his mouth open.

Seunghyun’s hands are on Jiyong’s fly by the time he speaks. “Hyung, are you sure? Because I don’t want you to –”

“I’m sure,” Seunghyun says. He finishes opening his pants and appraises the bulge in Jiyong’s underwear. He falters. “It’s just – I’ve never done this before, so I’m probably going to be really bad at it.” He glances up at Jiyong. “Maybe I should practice first…”

“Yah!” Jiyong lightly slaps his cheek and then wags his finger in Seunghyun’s face. “Don’t you dare practice with anyone else!”

Seunghyun grins bashfully. “Jeez, I meant on a banana or something!” But his smile fades as he looks back down. “Just...I need you to tell me what to do, okay? And tell me right away if I’m doing something wrong.”

“Just don’t bite and we’ll be fine,” Jiyong says.

Seunghyun thinks it goes okay, except he keeps taking Jiyong out of his mouth to ask if it feels good, which he realizes is sort of defeating but he can’t help himself. Jiyong isn’t being as instructive as he’d hoped. He’s doing a lot of gasping, though, so that’s good. When he comes Seunghyun isn’t expecting it and it gets all over his hand. Jiyong came quicker than he thought he would.

Seunghyun borrows pajamas and they fall asleep holding each other in Jiyong’s bed. It reminds him of when they were trainees and would take naps side-by-side on the practice room floor, and then when they were particularly tired Jiyong would say “Hyung, I wish we could sleep together again,” and everyone would laugh and Jiyong would pretend he didn’t realize it was a double entendre.

They’d wasted so much time. They could’ve been together back then, back when no one cared what they did or where they spent the night. Christ, they slept in the _same room_ in the dorm. Seunghyun can’t believe he made Jiyong wait so long. He can’t believe Jiyong actually _did_ wait so long, that his crush on Seunghyun didn’t fade away as so many of his other crushes had. He supposes old flames take the longest to die.

 _He could get bored at any time now_ , Seunghyun reminds himself. Now that Jiyong’s got what he wanted, Seunghyun can’t expect him to stick around forever. He’s seen it happen to Jiyong’s other partners: the look of disappointment when they realize that Jiyong was more interested in the chase than in them. It’s okay, though. Seunghyun’s grateful for whatever he gets.

A few weeks later, Seunghyun enters Jiyong’s apartment just as Dami is leaving. He smiles and bows and greets her, but she barely acknowledges him and slams the door when she goes.

He kisses Jiyong hello, which is one of the benefits of their new arrangement. “Is your noona upset about something?” he asks.

“Oh...well...it’s just...I told her about us, and –”

“You _told_ her?”

“Yeah?” Jiyong face scrunches into a confused look. “What do you think she’s going to do? She’s my _noona_.”

“No, no – I don’t think she’d – that’s not what I – I just… I didn’t think we were telling anyone.”

“You don’t want anyone to know?”

“It’s not _that_ , I –” They’re getting off track. “Wait, no, why is she upset?

“Noona? Well… It’s just…” Jiyong sighs and rubs his forehead. “She’s just being overprotective.”

“Oh.” Seunghyun thinks about that. “She thinks you need protection...from me?”

Jiyong shrugs. “She’s being silly. I mean...she’s known I’ve – fuck.” He covers his face with his hands and shakes his head. “This is embarrassing. She knows I’ve liked you for a long time.”

“You’re embarrassed by that?” Seunghyun asks. He reaches out and tugs at Jiyong’s arm, revealing his face again. “I liked you for a long time too. I was just being stupid about it.”

Jiyong smiles shyly at him. “Really?”

“Of course,” says Seunghyun. He hates to ruin the moment but he pushes forward. “But...I still don’t understand...Dami-noona doesn’t like me?” Dami had always been friendly towards him in the past.

“She’s just worried because I like you a lot and she’s worried what will happen if we...you know...stop.”

 _When we stop, not if_ , Seunghyun thinks. But he doesn’t say that. It’s so early now. “Ah, Jiyongie, we’ll always be friends, won’t we? I mean, I know I could never hate you.”

Jiyong smiles his bright, sweet smile. “I don’t think I could ever hate you either.” He leans over and kisses Seunghyun’s cheek. “Noona’s being silly, really. She even said you have the face shape of a heartbreaker.”

“What?” Seunghyun’s hands rise up to feel his face. “I do?” He turns around and walks over to a mirror in the hall, examining his features. He scoffs. “I couldn’t break your heart,” he says.

Jiyong comes up beside him and rests his cheek on Seunghyun’s shoulder. They look at themselves in the mirror and Seunghyun can’t help but smile. They make a nice-looking couple.

* * *

They’re lying in bed together one night when Seunghyun sits up and says, “Yah!”

“What?” Jiyong asks.

“What happened to Joohyung?”

Jiyong laughs. He reaches up and pulls Seunghyun back down onto the bed. “Why, are you jealous?”

“Yeah, I am!” Seunghyun says.

Jiyong nuzzles his face against Seunghyun’s chest, giggling. “Yah, aren’t you ever embarrassed?”

“Jiyongie, just tell me if you called him or not.”

Jiyong peeks up at him. “I did,” he says, and Seunghyun freezes. “I told him he was a really nice guy but I thought we should just be friends.”

“Oh,” says Seunghyun, a smile creeping onto his face. “Really?”

“Of course,” says Jiyong. He reaches an arm across Seunghyun’s chest and positions himself on top of him, his weight like burrowing under a dozen blankets on a cold night. “Hyung,” he says softly, “I don’t want to be with anyone but you.”

It makes Seunghyun’s chest burn with happiness, but it’s so hard to believe. He supposes that’s how Jiyong feels now, and he’ll just have to wait and see when it changes. “But you still have his number in your phone, don’t you?”

Jiyong laughs and rolls off Seunghyun, reaching for the bedside table where his phone is charging. He unplugs it, sits up, and begins swiping at its screen with big flourishes. “I’m deleting him right now,” he announces.

Seunghyun sits up to watch. It’s silly, but it makes him feel better.

“There,” Jiyong says after tapping to confirm. Joohyung’s face and name and phone number blink away, gone in an instant. “Anyone else you want me to delete?”

“Maybe,” Seunghyun says, thinking. “Anyone who’s better-looking than me, to start.”

“Aish!” Jiyong throws his phone back onto the table. “That was easy. I’ve never even _met_ anyone better looking than you.”

Seunghyun blushes – not because he thinks he’s being teased, but because he can’t help but think Jiyong is being sincere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this came out weird. I was torn because parts of it came through really vividly and I wanted to include them, but they needed other murkier parts to make sense. It felt like I rushed them together but as I was writing I realized that if I expanded it much more I'd just wind up with a whole separate fic. I considered cutting it altogether, but the challenge of this fic for me was sticking to what the song made me think of, and I couldn’t bring myself cheat.
> 
> Oh and the inclusion of "indigestion" on the list of things Seunghyun mistook his attraction to Jiyong for is a reference to [The Great Pretender](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3935137) by [Ruinwyn](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Ruinwyn/pseuds/Ruinwyn), though I'm assuming anyone reading this would've guessed that because (and I say this with a very healthy self-esteem about my writing) you're reading this while you wait for her to update. It's cool, that's pretty much why I wrote it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So just to clear something up real quick, I'm not [this](http://kwonaventure.tumblr.com) Mina / kwonaventure. I'm flattered that anyone's been confusing my writing for hers because I _just_ started writing gtop so I still feel like "lol what am I doing what is life who is seunghyun how do i big bang". but apparently I sound like someone who knows their shit? idrk how, but that's really cool. 
> 
> ALSO: You guys left a bunch of really nice comments! While my first reaction to that is to run away and hide from my computer because a) social anxiety b) stranger danger c) I immediately forget how to form coherent sentences when people are nice to me d) oh god what if they hate the rest of the story e) is this a trick am i being tricked f) etc. etc., I do _really_ appreciate them. If I accurately expressed how much it would just be a lot of keyboard smash so when I respond "Thank you!!" please understand it to mean this:
> 
>   
> 
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> * * *

“This apartment is making me claustrophobic,” Jiyong says one day.

Seunghyun lowers his tablet and looks at Jiyong, sitting next to him on the couch, then pointedly looks around the room. Jiyong’s living room could probably fit the entire apartment they dormed in as trainees, and it has floor-to-very-high-ceiling windows. But when he’s finished Jiyong just looks back at him with his lips pursed and his chin jutting out.

“Okay,” Seunghyun says. They have a rare free day together and Seunghyun was enjoying this mutual adjacent relaxing thing they were doing, but he can see that’s not how the day is going to go. “You know, I think we can get away with doing something together. You want to go shopping?”

“No.”

“A movie then? Or do you want to go out to eat? We could get some friends together –”

“No,” says Jiyong again.

“Well...what do you want to do?”

Jiyong chews on his thumbnail. “I want to have a daughter,” he says.

Seunghyun sets his tablet on the coffee table. “I don’t think I can help you with that, but if you want we can go to the bedroom and cross our fingers…”

His joke doesn’t go over so well. Jiyong scowls. “ _Hyung_ ,” he says sharply. “I’m being serious.”

This isn’t the first time Seunghyun has heard Jiyong talk about this – he’s mentioned it in interviews, and people love it; love the idea of Jiyong, with his tattoos and avant garde outfits, with his other-worldly aura, wanting to spend his Saturdays chasing a kid around the park. And Seunghyun’s certainly heard him make comments that ring of longing – “That little girl is so cute,” “Ah, I love when kids try to wink, don’t you?” “I wish I had an excuse to shop for children’s clothing,” – but he’s never brought it up with Seunghyun directly before. Seunghyun was always glad of that. He knows this won’t be an easy conversation.

“I don’t know what to say to that,” Seunghyun says truthfully. “I don’t know what to tell you.”

“Well, you’ve thought about having kids, right?” Jiyong asks.

“No,” says Seunghyun.

“‘No’?” Jiyong repeats. “Never? Never once in your entire life have you considered it?”

“Well…” Seunghyun shrugs. “I mean, when I was younger I just assumed I would, the way I assumed I’d work in an office like my dad. But it seemed so far away. And I got older and things changed. And now…”

Seunghyun can see that Jiyong is panicking, that his breath is coming in short little bursts. “Now you’re with me so you don’t want kids?” he asks.

“ _No_ ,” Seunghyun says, grabbing Jiyong’s arm and forcing him to maintain eye contact. “No, Jiyongie, I don’t mean it like that. It has nothing to do with you.”

Jiyong jerks his arm away. “How can it have nothing to do with me? When you say ‘things changed’ you mean ‘I started fucking you’, so how can it not be about me?”

“When I say ‘things changed’ I mean ‘I started a relationship with another man who is also famous’. Be realistic, Jiyongie. How could we raise a kid together without people finding out?”

“Why is it so horrible if people find out?”

“Are you joking?” Seunghyun can’t believe Jiyong just asked that. Is he high? Is he sick?

“No, I’m not joking. I’ve been thinking a lot about it, and...I think maybe...maybe I should come out.”

Seunghyun is too stunned to respond to that right away. He searches Jiyong’s face for some indication that he’s not serious, that he’s teasing Seunghyun or picking a fight or _anything_ , but Jiyong’s expression is impassive. “ _No_ ,” he finally says. “No. You can’t do that.”

“I can do whatever I want,” Jiyong snaps. “And I think I should. I think it would help a lot of other gay kids. I think it’s the right thing to do.”

“ _No_ ,” Seunghyun says as firmly as he can.

“Hyung, it’s important for gay people to be visible in mainstream culture. Kids need role models, and I –”

“ _Not you_ ,” Seunghyun says through clenched teeth. He grabs Jiyong’s arm again and he knows he’s squeezing too hard but he can’t help it, Jiyong has to understand this, he has to _understand_. “Let someone else be a role model. _Not you_.”

Jiyong’s glaring at him not just with anger, but revulsion. “Don’t worry Hyung, I won’t out _you_ ,” he spits. He tries to pull his arm free again but Seunghyun’s grip is too strong.

“Jiyongie –”

“Are you really that ashamed to be with me?” Jiyong asks softly, eyes filling with tears.

“Are you really that _stupid_?” Seunghyun shouts back, dropping Jiyong’s arm. “Do you know what would _happen_ if you came out? Your career would be _over_. Stores wouldn’t stock your records. TV stations wouldn’t play your music videos. YG would drop you. You wouldn’t be able to write or perform or do _anything_. _No one_ would work with you. And that’s just your career! Everyone would turn against you, Jiyongie! Think of how cruel netizens were in every single scandal you ever had, add it all together, and multiply it by ten. Do you think I can watch you go through that? Do you think I can watch you lose _everything_? Do you think I want to come home to find you in the closet with a belt around your neck?” And the image of it is so visceral and present that all at once Seunghyun is gasping for air, choking on the tears he finds himself suddenly crying.

Jiyong gathers him up and Seunghyun sobs into his chest, taking comfort from the younger man’s gentle touches and low murmurs of reassurance. “I would never do that, no matter how bad things were,” Jiyong says. “I would never leave you all alone like that. Not on purpose.”

Seunghyun thinks he’s calmed down enough that his voice is okay, but it comes out in an embarrassing, phlegmatic whine: “You have to be _safe_ , Jiyongie. Do you know what they _do_ to gay men? I can’t let that happen to you. You have to be _safe_.” He straightens up and wipes his face. He still feels shaky.

Jiyong isn’t meeting his eyes. “I’m sorry I scared you,” he says.

“Listen, Jiyongie, you’re right, okay?” Seunghyun says. Jiyong looks at him cautiously. “You are. I know you are. We _should_ come out. That would be the right, brave thing to do. But I don’t want to be brave. I want to be _safe_. I want to be _happy_.”

Jiyong looks away again. He nods. He says, “I understand.”

“But,” Seunghyun says. He knows it’s there.

“But I don’t think I can be happy like this. Hiding. No kids.”

“So what do we do?” Seunghyun asks. He sniffles and rubs his nose. “Do we break up?”

Jiyong whips his gaze back to Seunghyun. “ _What?_ No! Why? Do you want to?”

“Of course not. And I know that if you want to come out, you’ll do it whether we’re together or not. But you’re not happy hiding, and I don’t think I can be happy _not_ hiding. No, actually, I _know_ I can’t be happy not hiding. I can’t be happy watching you ruin your life.”

“Breaking up would ruin my life.”

Seunghyun sighs. “Jiyongie, I don’t think you’ve thought about how losing your career –”

“I don’t think _you’ve_ thought about how losing _this_ would be worse than every dumb ahjumma in the world spitting on my head. Don’t you get it by now? After everything you’ve put me through, all the times you tried to push me away, I’ve always come back to you like a stupid lovesick puppy. I’ve loved you practically since I first set eyes on you, Choi Seunghyun, and I _waited_ for you for _so long_ , and I stuck with you after we finally got together even though you couldn’t tell me you loved me –”

“I didn’t –”

“– even though everyone told me what a bad idea this was, even though you _hurt_ me, I _stayed_ because that is how much I love you. I know you think I’m weak –”

“You’re not –”

“– but I’m strong! I can take anything the world dishes out! Do you know what Dami-noona said to me when I told her we’d gotten together? She said you were a straight boy who was just playing with me and I shouldn’t believe a word you said because in the end you were going to marry a girl and have a boring conventional life. She said if I got too invested you would break my heart without a second thought. And do you know what I told her?”

“I could never marry a girl after being with you,” Seunghyun says, too shocked by this litany of revelations to really take part in the conversation.

Jiyong ignores Seunghyun and pushes on. “I told her that if that was the price I had to pay, I would pay it. That’s how strongly I felt about you. And I still do. So don’t tell me I don’t know the choice I’m making. I want you. Completely. The whole thing. No hiding. If I lose my career, then good riddance. I won’t complain.”

Seunghyun reaches out and folds his hands around Jiyong’s. “It’s not that I don’t want to hear you complain –”

“It’s that you don’t want to see me hurt. I know. But I’m telling you I’ll be _more_ hurt by having to hide this and never have a child with you.”

The words send shivers down Seunghyun’s spine. _A child with you_. Suddenly he can see a carseat in the back of his car, can hear Jiyong cooing. For a second it feels imaginable, tangible, and he _wants_ it. Something clicks and he understands how Jiyong would risk everything for a chance at that.

“Listen, it’s your choice too. You have your own career to think about. If you don’t want to give it up –”

“I do,” Seunghyun says quickly. “I mean, I don’t, but I do for you. For us.” He takes a deep, shaky breath. “Can we really – I mean, how can we…?”

“I’m not saying we should hold a press conference tomorrow. We’ve got plenty of time.”

“And we need to talk to the other guys about this,” Seunghyun says, nodding. “Everyone, actually. It’ll affect everyone.”

“You’re right,” says Jiyong. “But listen, we don’t need to work out all the details right this second. I just want to know that we want the same things.”

Seunghyun keeps nodding, silent for a few moments. Then he says, “I know we don’t need to work out all the details, but can we talk about them a little more?”

Jiyong laughs and shakes his head back and forth. “Yes. Of course. What do you want to talk about?”

“Um…” Seunghyun takes a breath. “Where are we going to live?”

“Maybe America?”

“ _America?_ ” Seunghyun’s eyebrows shoot up. “I meant your house or my house!”

“Oh.” Jiyong laughs. “Well...I thought it might be a good idea.”

“But...my English isn’t good.”

“I’ll talk for you.” Jiyong’s got a sly smile on his face, and Seunghyun knows he’s imagining the trouble he could get Seunghyun into that way, but Seunghyun needs to know how serious Jiyong is about this.

“You’d – you’d really move to America?”

“You wouldn’t?”

“I don’t think it would ever feel like home,” Seunghyun admits. He’s liked the little bits of America he’s seen when he’s been there, but it’s a strange place: all those pink and brown faces, that jagged language, and that peculiar expansiveness that you can feel in the air – people all spread out, so much empty space between.

Jiyong closes his eyes and Seunghyun watches curiously as he takes a deep breath. “We could get married there,” Jiyong says.

 _Married_. A strange heat sloshes through Seunghyun. “Oh.” he says. That’s not the right thing to say. That’s not the thing he wants to have said. He can see the tightness in Jiyong’s eyes. “I never imagined we could get married,” he says, trying to explain. “I never imagined I’d marry anyone once I fell in love with you.”

“Well...I’m not proposing or anything. I’m just pointing out a fact.”

“Yeah,” Seunghyun says. “This would be a pretty bad proposal story.”

Jiyong giggles, breathy and relieved. “Yeah. Too much shouting.”

“And crying.”

“Well, I’m going to cry at least a little bit when I – I mean, _if_ I –” Jiyong freezes, eyes flared wide.

“Okay,” says Seunghyun. “I’ll bring tissues.“

Jiyong’s eyes dart to Seunghyun, studying him, and then a grin breaks on his face like sunrise.


	6. Chapter 6

Seunghyun knows this movie he’s doing has been hard on Jiyong. His schedule’s insane, first of all. They haven’t seen each other in weeks. And Jiyong’s trying to write, and Seunghyun knows he’s having a hard time, knows he wants Seunghyun in the studio with him but isn’t saying it. He’s feeling scared and pressured. Seunghyun knows that.

But it’s not just that. The real problem is that Seunghyun’s character is sad and withdrawn and now _he_ feels sad and withdrawn _all the time_ , even when he’s not on set, and he can’t tell if he’s being a good actor or a terrible person. Because this is the worst bad time he’s ever been in. When he gets home, he’s so consumed with the desire to sleep and forget the world that he doesn’t even think about Jiyong. And when he does the guilt of ignoring him stiffens his joints and freezes his muscles and all he can do is lie there and wallow in it until it’s time to get up and go to set again.

One day there’s a lighting problem that calls for a more extended wait than usual and while they’re all sitting around one of the extras comes over and very shyly asks Seunghyun for his autograph and tells him she loves Big Bang and asks how the other members are. It makes Seunghyun feel terrible because he doesn’t know how anyone is, is too deep in his fog to even remember what everyone’s working on. But then she tells him how she loves to watch behind the scenes footage of them because they all seem so funny, and in some weird temporary loss of his sense of boundaries, Seunghyun pulls out his phone (his phone on which there are way more pictures of Jiyong than could possibly be reasonable for a straight man to have) and finds a video of Jiyong and Youngbae goofing off from a year or so ago. He tells her, “I shouldn’t have shown you that,” because it was an insane thing to do but also because Jiyong swears a _lot_ in it and Youngbae makes a rude gesture, and she looks so genuinely thrilled and touched by his trust in her that for once he doesn’t worry.

He gets home after two in the morning but instead of crawling into his bed he takes out his phone again and scrolls through his pictures and videos. Jiyong laughing, Jiyong pouting, Jiyong posing dramatically. Suddenly it’s five and he knows he has to see him. So he calls his manager and pretends to have food poisoning. He even goes in the bathroom so the acoustics will be right. He gets lectured about how he’s setting the whole filming schedule back but then Seunghyun tells him sure, he can go in and film, as long as the scenes are filmed from the waist up and he can sit on a bucket, and that seems to be vivid enough imagery that he’s allowed to end the phone call. Once he does, he dresses in an oversized black hoodie and calls a cab. He changes the lock code on his door and figures no one will be able to prove he’s not inside. He’ll just say he was strapped to his toilet or asleep.

Seunghyun slips into the YG building through the service alley, pulling down his face mask to greet the custodian who’s been working for the company since his trainee days. It’s so early that the place is deserted, and Seunghyun makes it to the studio without seeing anyone but the back of a cleaning lady’s head. He falls asleep on the couch, pleased with himself for the first time in months.

It’s Jiyong’s entrance that rouses him – Seunghyun knows it’s him just from the sounds. He grins at the younger man even before his eyes focus enough to see his face.

When they do, his grin falters. Jiyong face is stone. “What are you doing here?” he asks.

“I wanted to see you.” Seunghyun sits up and flexes his stiff shoulder muscles.

“Shouldn’t you be filming?”

“Yeah,” says Seunghyun. He rubs some gunk from his eyes. “I’m playing hooky.”

“Okay,” Jiyong says slowly. “Well, I’m _not_ , so…”

Seunghyun swallows. His chest his constricting. “I thought...I don’t want to distract you, but, well, you at least have to eat, right? Can we have breakfast together? Or lunch or...whatever.”

“I’ve been working through my meals,” Jiyong says, striding over to turn on the computer and sound equipment. “I have a lot to do.”

Jiyong has never, ever kicked Seunghyun out of the studio before. He’s always wanted to know Seunghyun’s opinion on his songs, wanted Seunghyun’s advice, wanted to write with him. Always. Their crazy, intense devotion to making music has always bonded them. Since they first met as kids, this has been their thing. “I hope you’re taking care of yourself,” Seunghyun says lamely.

“I’m fine.” Jiyong says, his voice flat. “I just need to get back to it, so…”

“Right.” Seunghyun stands, fishes his face mask out of his pocket. “Um...eat well, okay? And make sure to drink lots of water.” Fuck, he sounds like an idiot.

“Uh-huh.” Jiyong’s already turned away from him, pulling up files on the computer screen.

Seunghyun mouths the word “Bye” but can’t seem to make the sound come out. He’s careful to shut the door quietly behind him.

Somehow he makes it back home and into bed. He thinks all his internal organs might be dissolving.

He hopes it’s fatal.

When he answers the door later that night, his manager says, “Wow, you really are sick, huh? I thought maybe you just wanted a break. Do you think you’ll be able to go to set tomorrow?”

* * *

One day it’s a little easier to get out of bed than it was the day before. By the end of the week, he’s getting up in under twenty minutes.

He’s not sure what changed, just relieved it did.

But a lot of his newfound energy gets put to use worrying about his relationship with Jiyong. Are they still together? Are they still even _friends_? He looks back at his messages and feels like they were written by a different person: constant, clipped refusals to Jiyong’s invitations; acidic replies  to his attempts at friendly chats; sometimes he just ignored Jiyong’s messages all together. He remember it, remembers when picking up his phone and typing felt like an impossible task, but now he _feels_ the reality of what he did. Or didn’t do.

And so now he does the only thing he can think to, which is to get in his car and drive to Jiyong’s house.

He calls him on the way. The phone rings so long Seunghyun wonders if Jiyong will pick up at all. When at last he does, he doesn’t say anything. Seunghyun’s car is filled with the soft sound of Jiyong breathing.

“Hi,” Seunghyun finally says. “I’m – I’m in Seongdong.” He’s already tearing up. Why did he think he could do this? Why did he think he could just go back? Jiyong still hasn’t said a word. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I understand. I’ll –”

“You can come over,” Jiyong says. It comes out a croak and Seunghyun freezes, praying he didn’t mishear. Jiyong clears his throat. “Come over,” he says, voice stronger. “Come. I miss you.”

Seunghyun makes a sound that’s half laugh, half sob. “Me too. I miss you too. So much. I’m so –” He hesitates, unsure how he can possibly apologize for what he’s put Jiyong through. _I’m sorry I’m a terrible friend, I’m sorry I was so selfish, I’m sorry I got so lost, I’m sorry, I’m sorry_ , “I’m almost there.”

* * *

 “My mom sent me a coupon for a storage unit company,” Seunghyun says.

The guys are all quiet. It’s all five of them together, and the five of them alone: something that used to be so common but is now so rare. No cameras, no managers, no staff. Just them.

There’s not much to say. They all know their contract is up soon and what they’ll be doing, with a little variation, when it is. And the other three know the rough outline of Seunghyun and Jiyong’s plans for when their service is over.

Maybe Big Bang will survive what’s coming in some form. Certainly they’ll all remain friends. But the way they’ve lived all these years together is coming to an end.

Jiyong reaches over and squeezes Seunghyun’s leg. Seunghyun’s caught him crying over all this a few times now. “Two years apart,” he whispered to his hyung recently. “After that, I don’t think I’ll even let you out of my sight to use the bathroom.”

The silence is heavy. Seunghyun thinks Daesung might be tearing up a little.

Then Seungri says, “Hyung, are you really going to trust your precious furniture to a storage company?”

And then everyone's laughing.

* * *

“Well?”

Jiyong has spent the last five minutes staring at the paper Seunghyun gave him with his brow furrowed, saying nothing, doing nothing. They’re lyrics Seunghyun’s been working on. Seunghyun supposes he must be reading them, but the song isn’t _that_ long so Seunghyun’s wondering if perhaps Jiyong had a small stroke.

Jiyong looks up at him and blinks. His expression doesn’t change.

“What do you think?” Seunghyun prompts him again.

Jiyong looks away, looks back, looks down at the paper, looks up again. Finally he says, “I think you shouldn’t come out.”

Seunghyun cannot for the life of him understand what Jiyong means. “What?”

“I still want to come out after the military. But I think you shouldn’t. You should continue your music career. I’ll come out and you can just be my supportive friend.”

“I – I don’t… _what_?”

“Hyung, this is _so good_ ,” Jiyong says, looking back down at Seunghyun’s lyrics. “You’re so talented. How can you give up music? It’s not fair to you _or_ the fans. If you don’t come out, you can keep working.”

Seunghyun is starting to think Jiyong’s serious. “But – but what about Jihyun?”

“Seungyong.”

Seunghyun rolls his eyes impatiently. “Okay, whatever we name her, what about this daughter we’re supposed to have? How can we have her if I don’t come out too?”

Jiyong chews on his lip, considering this. “Well, I can adopt her publically, but then at home we’ll both be her dads. And maybe down the road you’ll be able to come out, too. Who knows? Korea’s getting more progressive every day.”

“Jiyongie...you can’t be serious. I mean, even if no one noticed I was living with you and your daughter, little kids _talk_. She’d give us up in two seconds without even realizing it. And I wouldn’t want her to have to pretend I’m not her dad. That’s awful.”

There’s a beat of silence while Jiyong absorbs his words. “Fuck, I know,” he sighs and leans all the way back on the couch, Seunghyun’s lyrics finding their way to the end table before Jiyong’s hands clench into fists. “I just… You know, if it was only my own career I was giving up I’d be totally fine with all this. I just can’t stand to see you lose yours.”

Seunghyun turns and looks out Jiyong’s enormous living room windows at the river for a long moment, listening to Jiyong’s frustrated sighs while he collects himself. He gets up and sits directly next to Jiyong. He works Jiyong’s hand open and slips it into his own.  Then he rests his head on the back of the couch like Jiyong’s doing so they can look each other in the eye. “You realize I feel the exact same way about you,” he says.

“But you’re more talented,” Jiyong protests. “So it makes sense for you to be the one to not come out.”

“I am _not_ more talented, and even if I was, I couldn’t keep doing music without you. I’d never have come this far without you, and I can’t go any further without you.”

“Yah, don’t say that. You can do anything you want in this business. You don’t need me.”

“Jiyongie, I don’t belong here. Not like you do. You’re so disciplined and devoted, and you just have this –” Seunghyun closes his eyes, trying to find a name for what he senses in the younger man. “– it’s like a sparkly aura. You make everything seem cool and beautiful and interesting just because it’s you doing it. I’m not like that. I’m just a regular guy who can rap pretty well and got really lucky. I could work on my own, but not as well. And I wouldn’t enjoy it. Not without you.”

“‘A sparkly aura’,” Jiyong repeats. He snorts, then clicks his tongue. “You’re embarrassing me.”

Seunghyun doesn’t care. “Anyway, I’m starting to look forward to us being out in the open. I’m tired of lying.”

“We still have to get through two years in the military,” Jiyong says. “Two years apart.”

His expression is going tight. Seunghyun knocks their knees together and smiles. “I think it’ll be good. We’ll have plenty of time to plan.”

“Plan? Plan what?”

“A proposal, a wedding, a hundred day party for Jihyun…” He does his best to keep a straight face as he talks, watching the smile bloom on Jiyong’s.

“Seungyong,” Jiyong says, grinning hard now. “Hey, do you know what else I’m going to plan?” he asks brightly.

“What?” Seunghyun asks.

“Reunion sex. Every time the make me do a pushup, I’m going to think of a new way for us to fuck.”

Seunghyun smiles lazily, then reaches out and pulls Jiyong onto his lap in one fluid movement. Their mouths fit together and Jiyong tastes like home. Seunghyun’s hand drifts down to Jiyong’s ass. When they break apart, Seunghyun whispers, “Let’s start practicing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, I would just like to say that this fic bullied me. It would not leave me alone. I kept trying to do other stuff and this fic was like _write me write me I am going to distract you from EVERYTHING until you WRITE ME~_. I wanted to do more research because I’m not really familiar with the canon but _NO RESEARCH IS NOT WRITING YOU NEED TO WRITE ME~~_. I think I just needed to get it out of my system and get a bit of a feel for writing Seunghyun and Jiyong. 
> 
> Oh and I want to add that part of my headcanon for this story, due to my compulsive need to fix everything for them, is that at some point down the road Seunghyun starts seeing a really good therapist who helps him acknowledge that he’s been dealing with episodes of depression and that he was really hurt by Jiyong’s lack of understanding/support during those times, and then Jiyong comes to a few sessions with him and they talk about it all together and there is SO MUCH CRYING and Jiyong is devastated because he had no idea how to interpret or handle Seunghyun’s behavior and everyone reflects on the damage done by silence about mental health issues and Seunghyun and Jiyong forgive each other and themselves, like really truly _forgive_ , and then lots of really emotional sex. 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed my cheesy af ending. (I think I like them too much to ever give them the whole doomed-love treatment that is typically my specialty.) This story has been a great experience for me. Nicest fandom ever! Thank you all so much for all the comments and kudos! (Kudoses? Kudae?) It really does mean so much. And shoutout to **awkwardphrase** who commented on _every single chapter_ and was _ridiculously nice and supportive_ which was _wholly unnecessary_ but also _made me smile until my face hurt_.
> 
> TL;DR: THANK YOU GUYS FOR BEING SUCH SWEETHEARTS~ <33


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